I Vaguely Know What I Want

I have recently become jobless, husband-less, and will be homeless once the house sells. The trouble is I have no clear direction about what I really want.

I have vague ideas. Like I want to be in a position to buy my own house once the current one sells. I would like to move closer to the city so that I am not so geographically isolated and so that I don't have to travel so far for work. I would like to be closer to family if possible. I would like a job that allows me to enjoy my life outside work, rather than it taking me over with committment requirements.

I would like to make some friends that I can have some fun with outside of work. I would like a partner who appreciates and is supportive of me. I would like a bank to agree to loan me a mortgage as a single woman who will be on probation in a new job, as a opposed the woman as part of a couple in full-time regular employment.

Actually the more I write, the more I realise what I want is probably as specific as I can make it at this point. I guess the problem is that I don't really have either the motivation or the power to make these happen right now.

I have begun to apply for work but truth be that nothing advertised really grabs me. I hope someone gives me a job despite this. I am caring for my mother, who's health I am quite concern about. There will be four, four hour drives to and from the hospital in the next 3 weeks. She is essentially immobilized for at least the next 2 months. I am not sure that she will be ok if I get work.  I think this is also impacting on my motivation to obtain employment.  In the meantime however I have no income.

I am not being social, partly because I no longer see anyone I know now that I am not working, partly because I live so far away, and partly because I am caring for a woman who still really shouldn't be left for extended periods of time, despite what she says, bless her.

I am not dating. I don't know any men. I also suspect that I would be paralysed with shock and fear if a man showed interest in me... I'm not sure that I have any confidence in myself in that department anymore.

I cannot buy a new house and get on with my life because I don't have a job and can't seem to sell this one. At lease I have somewhere to live for the moment and I'm not in the middle of packing everything up, moving, and fighting with the ex about whose taking what. While I would like to be able to get on with just being in MY new home, the moving is just going to be the biggest pain in the ar**.

l am in limbo a lot. Partly due to lack of motivation and partly due to difficult circumstances.

I think I mostly wanna learn how to make the tide come in.

Photo by S1moN @ http://picasaweb.google.com/uowis28/MarshallSBeach#

In 5 Years Time I Suspect I May Be Totally Irrevelant

According to Saturdays Career Market Newspaper, I am no longer considered a person highly sort after by todays' recruitment gurus. Apparently these days;-

"An 'I'll do anything' attitude won't impress in today's job market - employers like candidates with clear direction and drive who know how their skills can benefit a company"

I once thought I knew what I wanted from my employment, but recent work events have left me totally re-evaluating this aspect of my life. Now, not only do I not have a clear direction, but I also don't have motivation to care what I want from my work besides a payslip.

I have never been able to project myself five years into the future and claim with any integrity to know where I'll be. Right now, I am not even interested in pretending I know where I fit in a company that I've never worked for, let alone where my potential employment will fit in the Grand Five Year Plan.

Nor am I interested in lying about how driven I am when lets face it, todays companies are only interested in draining that last drip of drive right out of their employees for the smallest payment they can get away with.

But generally, when I am employed, I am the person who will happily do what ever is asked of me. I am the person who is prepared to come up with solutions as well as implement them to see if it helps. I am the person who works longer hours, who doesn't mind working outside their job description if I'm capable and that's what it takes to make it work.

Apparently those qualities are no longer sought after. So for the first time in my life, I can say that if this is the future of employment, I suspect that in 5 years time, I may be totally irrelevant.

Photo by Cloud @ http://picasaweb.google.com/NewTerritorySL/ARelaxAfternoonInGalveston#

A Phone Call

I went to hospital again today. Hopefully for the second last time.

I received a phonecall this morning. It was the occupational therapist confirming the exact equipment my mum required for bathing, walking, getting out of chairs and off the toilet etc at my house. My mum can now negotiate walking very short distances with a frame. So she can be discharged. She will live with me until she is able to be independent again.

This afternoon I picked up one of the larger pieces of equipment. I must say, they were very efficient and obliging in providing the needed frame with a only a couple of hours notice. I guess they have to be. The last thing a worried person needs is to be confronted with unhelpful and inefficient staff just so a parent can go to the toilet without injury.

I will be attending the hospital again tomorrow to pick her up. Hopefully the rest of the equipment will fit in the back. I'm very happy

http://picasaweb.google.com/exoticorient/HappyNewYear2008#5227418625209035570

This is My Goal

I haven't felt genuinely at one with the Universe for a while now and have instead become really lost and out of sync.

I have been too distracted trying desperately to run fast enough for a couple of people who, as it turns out, have really only been using me up as a stepping stone to further themselves.

I have been so out of touch, I have allowed myself to be driven into the ground and then thrown away like rubbish at their convenience.

I have decided to make this a goal - To be at one with the Universe. I'm giving myself six months. It shouldn't take that long now that I'm putting my mind to it.

Photo from Summer @ http://picasaweb.google.com/c2cc.cn/DesktopWallpaper#

Irony

I am in financial and emotional limbo but find myself enjoying the lack of direction at least some of the time. I haven't had days off to myself like this for ages.

I have always been a highly dedicated employee who has required very little reward, but I no longer give a flying rats arse about organizational loyalty or your mission statement.

I have always loved and worked at dedication to a purpose larger than just myself, but now I find myself having been abandoned by almost every significant connection in my life.

Because of my education and personal resourcefulness I try to be self-determining, but I am forced it seems to embrace fatalism in response to my life's circumstances.

Frankly I can too easily get along without a man in my life, but I really wish that someone special would come along so that I can love him... again.

For the sake of social dignity, I am trying to see the karmic learnings and silver opportunies in the dark clouds of my current adversity. But locked away deep in the hidden chambers of my broken heart, I am trying so hard, not to just give into believing that I must be a really incompetent and worthless person.

Photo by Swaffie @ http://picasaweb.google.com/Swaffie/Haleakala#