I Vaguely Know What I Want

I have recently become jobless, husband-less, and will be homeless once the house sells. The trouble is I have no clear direction about what I really want.

I have vague ideas. Like I want to be in a position to buy my own house once the current one sells. I would like to move closer to the city so that I am not so geographically isolated and so that I don't have to travel so far for work. I would like to be closer to family if possible. I would like a job that allows me to enjoy my life outside work, rather than it taking me over with committment requirements.

I would like to make some friends that I can have some fun with outside of work. I would like a partner who appreciates and is supportive of me. I would like a bank to agree to loan me a mortgage as a single woman who will be on probation in a new job, as a opposed the woman as part of a couple in full-time regular employment.

Actually the more I write, the more I realise what I want is probably as specific as I can make it at this point. I guess the problem is that I don't really have either the motivation or the power to make these happen right now.

I have begun to apply for work but truth be that nothing advertised really grabs me. I hope someone gives me a job despite this. I am caring for my mother, who's health I am quite concern about. There will be four, four hour drives to and from the hospital in the next 3 weeks. She is essentially immobilized for at least the next 2 months. I am not sure that she will be ok if I get work.  I think this is also impacting on my motivation to obtain employment.  In the meantime however I have no income.

I am not being social, partly because I no longer see anyone I know now that I am not working, partly because I live so far away, and partly because I am caring for a woman who still really shouldn't be left for extended periods of time, despite what she says, bless her.

I am not dating. I don't know any men. I also suspect that I would be paralysed with shock and fear if a man showed interest in me... I'm not sure that I have any confidence in myself in that department anymore.

I cannot buy a new house and get on with my life because I don't have a job and can't seem to sell this one. At lease I have somewhere to live for the moment and I'm not in the middle of packing everything up, moving, and fighting with the ex about whose taking what. While I would like to be able to get on with just being in MY new home, the moving is just going to be the biggest pain in the ar**.

l am in limbo a lot. Partly due to lack of motivation and partly due to difficult circumstances.

I think I mostly wanna learn how to make the tide come in.

Photo by S1moN @ http://picasaweb.google.com/uowis28/MarshallSBeach#

In 5 Years Time I Suspect I May Be Totally Irrevelant

According to Saturdays Career Market Newspaper, I am no longer considered a person highly sort after by todays' recruitment gurus. Apparently these days;-

"An 'I'll do anything' attitude won't impress in today's job market - employers like candidates with clear direction and drive who know how their skills can benefit a company"

I once thought I knew what I wanted from my employment, but recent work events have left me totally re-evaluating this aspect of my life. Now, not only do I not have a clear direction, but I also don't have motivation to care what I want from my work besides a payslip.

I have never been able to project myself five years into the future and claim with any integrity to know where I'll be. Right now, I am not even interested in pretending I know where I fit in a company that I've never worked for, let alone where my potential employment will fit in the Grand Five Year Plan.

Nor am I interested in lying about how driven I am when lets face it, todays companies are only interested in draining that last drip of drive right out of their employees for the smallest payment they can get away with.

But generally, when I am employed, I am the person who will happily do what ever is asked of me. I am the person who is prepared to come up with solutions as well as implement them to see if it helps. I am the person who works longer hours, who doesn't mind working outside their job description if I'm capable and that's what it takes to make it work.

Apparently those qualities are no longer sought after. So for the first time in my life, I can say that if this is the future of employment, I suspect that in 5 years time, I may be totally irrelevant.

Photo by Cloud @ http://picasaweb.google.com/NewTerritorySL/ARelaxAfternoonInGalveston#

A Phone Call

I went to hospital again today. Hopefully for the second last time.

I received a phonecall this morning. It was the occupational therapist confirming the exact equipment my mum required for bathing, walking, getting out of chairs and off the toilet etc at my house. My mum can now negotiate walking very short distances with a frame. So she can be discharged. She will live with me until she is able to be independent again.

This afternoon I picked up one of the larger pieces of equipment. I must say, they were very efficient and obliging in providing the needed frame with a only a couple of hours notice. I guess they have to be. The last thing a worried person needs is to be confronted with unhelpful and inefficient staff just so a parent can go to the toilet without injury.

I will be attending the hospital again tomorrow to pick her up. Hopefully the rest of the equipment will fit in the back. I'm very happy

http://picasaweb.google.com/exoticorient/HappyNewYear2008#5227418625209035570

This is My Goal

I haven't felt genuinely at one with the Universe for a while now and have instead become really lost and out of sync.

I have been too distracted trying desperately to run fast enough for a couple of people who, as it turns out, have really only been using me up as a stepping stone to further themselves.

I have been so out of touch, I have allowed myself to be driven into the ground and then thrown away like rubbish at their convenience.

I have decided to make this a goal - To be at one with the Universe. I'm giving myself six months. It shouldn't take that long now that I'm putting my mind to it.

Photo from Summer @ http://picasaweb.google.com/c2cc.cn/DesktopWallpaper#

Irony

I am in financial and emotional limbo but find myself enjoying the lack of direction at least some of the time. I haven't had days off to myself like this for ages.

I have always been a highly dedicated employee who has required very little reward, but I no longer give a flying rats arse about organizational loyalty or your mission statement.

I have always loved and worked at dedication to a purpose larger than just myself, but now I find myself having been abandoned by almost every significant connection in my life.

Because of my education and personal resourcefulness I try to be self-determining, but I am forced it seems to embrace fatalism in response to my life's circumstances.

Frankly I can too easily get along without a man in my life, but I really wish that someone special would come along so that I can love him... again.

For the sake of social dignity, I am trying to see the karmic learnings and silver opportunies in the dark clouds of my current adversity. But locked away deep in the hidden chambers of my broken heart, I am trying so hard, not to just give into believing that I must be a really incompetent and worthless person.

Photo by Swaffie @ http://picasaweb.google.com/Swaffie/Haleakala#

Experimenting

I can no longer buy the anti-depressants that were as far as I was concerned a miracle come true for me. Apparently the drug was associated with liver damage that was considered too high risk by the drug company. It is no longer available.

So I am experimenting with finding a new anti-depressant. So far no luck. My blood pressure went through the roof so I am now waiting for it to be out of my system before I can start on another lot. I am also waiting to see if my blood pressure goes down, or I will be taking something for that as well.

Subsequently I am starting to not feel that great. I only have to wait till Friday though.

How far do you think a person can you crash in 3 days?

Photo by Schmii @ http://picasaweb.google.com/Sclyphe/Funnies#

Hospital

I visited my mother at hospital today. She can't walk yet but her mood is certainly the brightest I have seen her since she was admitted. She's going to be ok. : - )

More Than Half the Things on My List

I have been experiencing an abnormally high number of life's stresses in the last few months. What they probably don't know, is that recently when I close my front door, I totally shut down.

I don't speak, I avoid everyone, I eat only what I don't have to prepare or cook. I have been slinking around the house attempting to distract myself from feeling too vulnerable to face anyone. Thus I have been using this damn computer as an escape so that I am not forced to focus on all my problems at the same time. This has worked out for me so far because I am still here.

And because I am still here, I decided today, to at least pretend to join the rest of the world. Today I practiced what it is like to be a normal person. Not a 'super' normal person. More like a 'just made it over the line' normal person.

So I did some housework and my house now looks more like a happy balanced person lives here. I drove into town and did some grocery shopping and my refridgerator now looks more like a healthy, motivated to cook person lives here.

In total I completed more than half the things on my list. 'Not bad considering', I thought. I also joined a Video Store and I had a conversation with the lady behind the counter.

This was the first conversation I have had with an adult outside my immediate family for more than a week. This lady was lovely. She had a wonderful chat with me about turning 40. According to this lovely lady, turning 40 makes you think about yourself more. Apparently turning 40 means you get to look after yourself more.

I thought about this and came to the conclusion that if this is true, maybe that is not such a bad thing. It's certainly needed, and perhaps timely. Definitely a bit of a new experience. I think maybe I might take her words on board a little more.

I think too, that when I return the videos I might thank her for her chat. I bet she doesn't realise how important her words were to me today. And I bet she doesn't get thanked nearly enough for her bright and sparkling personality and easy going conversation.

Photo by Tom Curtis http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=178 

Redundancy

My doctor said try to relax and avoid stress.

This made me laugh. Does he really think that if I could do this I wouldn't be doing it already? I think I am doing well just to keep getting out of bed.

So here I am at home, looking out the window, writing a blog - guilt free that I'm not at work. I have been made redundant. I haven't enjoyed the experience and I don't really recommend it.

I have been playing with my cat, surfing the net, eating chocolate, visiting the hospital and crying in places. I had a job interview, but they decided they didn't want me. I guess I am not in a good space to be promoting myself right now anyway.

But I think I might visit my cousin. I might do some sewing. I'll watch a video and read a book. I'll go for a drive and look at the scenery. I'll do some housework.

But I'm still going to continue avoiding the ironing for as long as possible.

Photo by Kobac @ http://picasaweb.google.com/damir.kobescak/Art2#

Changing Back to Myself

Since you left I have noticed that I seem to be changing back to myself. I notice that my focus has changed from what you would like me to be doing to more of a random exploration of what interests me.

I notice that even though I have been feeling very sad, I also feel a sense of relief that I am no longer living with the psychological pressure of your rejection and distain. Since you've gone I no longer feel stressed about not being good enough for you. Despite how apparently awful our marriage was for you, I can now at least just relax in my own lounge room.

Since you've gone I notice the cat no longer meows in long confusing distressed tones when he's in the house.

Since you've gone my mother admitted to me that she has really missed her daughter all these years. But then I guess she would say that.

Anyway, since you've gone, I think I'm changing back into myself.

Photo by Viper'sGallery http://picasaweb.google.com/viper0316/MYCAT#

It Wasn't Worth a Lot

My husband doesn't love me,

He hates who I've become.

He left me for another,

Someone who is more fun.

He walked out of our marriage,

For someone elses charm.

Set it up before he left,

So he would feel no harm.

Now I'm here all by myself...

This empty family home

Begins to overwhelm me;

It's too much on my own.

I'm feeling so defeated,

I'm not sure how to cope.

Time heals all apparently,

But I have lost my hope.

I'm just inconvenient,

He doesn't give a toss.

More concerned with his new life,

Not experiencing loss.

I wish that I was stronger,

A more determined me.

I can't seem to get back up,

my feet won't work properly.

Almost thought I had it all;

A husband, home and job.

But now I realize clearly,

It wasn't worth a lot.

Photo by Dimenshial @ http://picasaweb.google.com/bdepalo/Letsake#

Letters to the Editor

I read the Local Times with great interest last week. Several residents had taken the time to write letters to the Editor. For a community of apparently 650 houses, we have lots of issues.

It’s the speeding, it’s the road to the next town that doesn’t exist, it’s the use of the Community Hall that apparently isn’t allowed, and it’s the murdering of innocent kangaroos. It’s the ‘adult’ jokes in the local newsletter and the “I’ll take the moral high road’ response from the other publication.

For almost 3 years, it has seemed a little ‘Days of Our Lives’ to me. If only Shakespeare lived here. We could have had some fabulous local theatre instead of that terrible stuff I’ve seen in town. There are plots and sub-plots of scheming and deception, themes of power and glory and pen lashings of poisonous arrows and publicly read humiliations. Is this how small urban / ruralish communities work?

Actually most of the time I just laugh uncomfortably and wonder how the other side will adjust their business plan, but it’s the sort of giggle that hides a glimmer of fear and doubt about whether or not I really do want to openly partake of my local community. To date I choose the gardening fork as my wielding weapon of choice.

Call me sensitive, but in the interests of basic self-preservation, I hesitate to openly support any community group where it seems I am likely to be fired upon from a diametrically opposed axis of power. A bit sad really, but there you go. I am the observing fence sitter until further notice.

To quote Rudyard Kipling’s poem IF

“If you can keep you head, when all about you
Are losing theirs …”

…Then you obviously have no idea what’s really going on.

  http://tumeke.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html

She’s Gone

It’s official. La Nina has left the building.

When she came home for the holidays, La Nina was no longer the dewy eyed freshman, promising hot humid days and sultry wet nights. Na ha. This woman was the raging vengeful ex. Like a menopausal Banshee, she smashed down the front door and tried to drown the dog.

Blowing off immigration with an indolent glance and breezing through customs, she began her world wind Queensland tour. Like most international tourists she came in via the North, explored some of the country outback and travelled across to move South via the fabulous Queensland Coastline. Half of Queensland was declared severe drought status while the other half waited for the SES to respond to extreme flood damage. Even New Year was called off for a lot of people. And now she's gone.

According to the same news broadcast, Australia is more likely to be subject to natural disaster than terrorism. Apparently our spending does not support this. Why am I not surprised?

The Veggie Patch Experience

My previous experience with 'Veggie Patch' has been mostly traditional. The old 6' x 4' rectangle, dug into the lawn somewhere reasonably close to the back door. It's usually down flood stream from my trusty compost heap.

Nothing so big as to be called sustainable, but then I've got a job. At this point, 'sustainable' is just a muddy, tough pipe-dream, within the grasp of only the truly dedicated, the retired or the long-term unemployed.

At present, my experience of 'Veggie Patch' is veggies in patches. How big the patch becomes often depends on how well it disguises itself from 'family' as a garden plant. For other reasons unknown, it is a plant whose taste also lies beyond the culinary delights of the wallaby pallate.

The only piece of good practical gardening advice you are going to get from me is this. If you want to grow vegetables that survive no matter what, then plant these. Ornamental Chili, Kent Pumpkin, Cherry Tomatoes, Parsley, Basil and Chives. Just don't plant the Basil in the same pot as the Parsley. They hate each other. Neither will die but neither will either of them thrive. Give them separate homes.

At my house, there is a chili bush beside the drive way that lives because it has lovely green and purple leaves and is called 'ornamental' at the nurseries.

There remains an independent pumpkin vine on the other side of the driveway because it happened to take hold when 'family' was desperate for anything to grow in a place without topsoil.

Until recently, there have been armfuls of cherry tomatoes gate crashing the compost heap out the back. Now it appears tomato seedlings seem to be forming in the fruit tree patch down flood stream from the compost. I suspect they may not survive our winter. But I'll wait and see.

I bought some fruiting trees and 'family' in the spirit of hoping I would help him do more gardening planted them. An avocado, a kumquat, a macadamia tree and a lime tree. The kumquat is beginning to fruit and I am waiting to make my first batch of kumquat jam.

I bought two strawberry plants at the Beaudesert market on the weekend and they were planted between the macadamia and the lime tree with placating statements of "Don't worry, trees are deep rooted and strawberries have shallow roots". I hope my theory works true. I threw in another couple of independent pumpkin seeds for good measure.

I also commandeered a tiny patch of ground in front of the carport. I planted peas and radish and broccoli. I am not the most amazing gardener in the world so I'll see what happens.

At the laundry door I have basil and parsley in separate pots. At the dining room window I have chives.  I am quite excited about my patches of veggies.

   Photo by Simon Howden    http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Global Food Shortage

In initial response to the latest media reports of a potential global food shortage, I considered stocking up on rice and flour. I expected family to roll their eyes in their heads and laugh when I gave voice to the idea. Remarkably, the TV documentary playing at the time instead, served to lend apparent credibility to a statement that would ordinarily have been met with ridicule and laughter. Just another one of my ideas.

Ah, the power of television.

After more considered thought, I have now decided to give vegetable gardening another go instead of stockpiling resources. This leaves more room in the laundry and I get exercise. Plus the sun still shines and I have a very large tank of rainwater at my disposal.

The rainwater tank was bought during the water shortage crisis prior to the recent, biggest flood in 60 years. At a time when I hedged my bets that South East Queensland might devolve into a precivilized unwashed society, desperately pillaging drinkable water. If we were unlucky enough.

What can I say. I am a child of the Cold War and at times, I wonder what Nostradamus is thinking. I am confronted by the personal experience of changed long term weather patterns within my lifetime. The digital exclaimations of global warming only serves to reinforce my own quiet observations.